Darkness descends, threatening to invade my being, threatening to overcome me. I am tired. The waters are cold and I sink below the surface… once… twice. I’ve heard that no one survives the third. I don’t really know if that’s true, but I don’t want to find out. The currents persist and pull me further out. I want to shout and scream, but no one is around, or maybe everyone is around. Despair engulfs.
This is all in my mind I repeat over and over again. But the anger still swirls about like a maddening sea that threatens to pull me under again. Breathe… breathe… breathe… let it go. It is ok. This too shall pass. Breathe… and God breathed into him the breath of life, so breath must be the first step. Maybe acceptance is the second. Accept the inadequacies – mine and his. Sigh… I can begin to feel the river bed beneath my feet. The angry waters still swirl about but I am now in shallower waters. I can stand up without being pushed about. Just continue on with gratitude and I’ll make… make it to the land of peace.
Responsibilities and obligation sometimes crowd out everything else. Sometimes I forget to pause… to breathe, but I’m learning to let go… a little bit more everyday. May the meditation bring you peace
I pray you give thanks for every little victory… and when you have exhausted your current victories, look upon your past victories. They are many and when you have lined them up, you may find that, like magic, they fight your battles for you… or at least give you the strength and wisdom to keep on going.
I was gazing out my window, enjoying the view of the trees and garden in the back, when I noticed something peculiar. A spider had spun a web right outside my window. Clever rascal had built the thing safely out of my reach, but sadly, not out of my sight. Now she or he or it (do spiders have gender?) seemed to be gazing back at me with a kind of defiance that I didn’t find amusing. I taped on the window to say hi or maybe what the hells are you doing here! Nothing happened… so I went about my business.
The next day I looked for my spider friend… mmmm… that was fast, one day ready to kill, next day friends. Anyway he she it wasn’t there, but the web was… so I went about my business.
The next day or was it later that same day… one can never be sure. Anyway I looked again and spider was there, with what looked like fly, some smaller insect that I guess had come to close. She he it had wound it tight with a web like material and was standing guard… well at least that is what it looked like. I tapped the window and this time web, spider and fly bounced up and down. Curious, I’m sure nothing happened that first day I tapped the window, so I tapped again to be sure – up and down web, spider and fly bounced… so I went about my business.
Today I gazed out the window and everything was gone – web, spider and fly. All vanished without a trace… just like I had imagined the whole thing.
The East Village! That’s where I wanted to live… amongst all those very cool individuals who seemed to do as they pleased, regardless of what others thought. They seemed to live beyond social norms and paralyzing convention. I saw them as renegades, they symbolized everything I felt inside. I still remember that first drive through this part of the New York City. I was with my aunt, but my face was pressed against the window like a child outside a candy store. I wanted it all.
Then my life arranged itself so that now I was here, living in the East Village. I hadn’t planned it, rather it had planned me. It was like when I was a child and had the distinct feeling that I would wake up and realize my life wasn’t real. Now I realized I just had to pivot my gaze ever so slightly, and then I could see… everything. In a way it was like waking up – that’s where I found this song…